cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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