I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize