I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
