I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
