you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
