Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Mom said you looked used
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
