He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You ruined the universe
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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