I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
