hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
