too bad you live with your parents still
im six kinds of drunk right now
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize