Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
