omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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