Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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