I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
