My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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