Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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