I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
