and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
id be glad to
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
