Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
