I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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