I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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