Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
