her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Come on in and take your pants off
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