They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize