I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
