I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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