Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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