How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pappa wants mamma naked
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
