She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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