It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize