The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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