Sober January is a disaster.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
