We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i dont even know how to be here
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize