Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
