My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
