so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
