just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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