Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
