I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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