I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
