my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
