this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
