i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So much rum. So many feels.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
