The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
