Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
