So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
