guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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