My sheets look like a crime scene.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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