I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
