When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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