I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
