i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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