Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
