If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
