apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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