Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
