Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
