Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
