im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
