I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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