the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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