got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
