i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
