Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
