Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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