just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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