I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
