I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Girls should come with a carfax report
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize