Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
