How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I love having hate sex.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
